fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
