why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
