I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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