OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
