Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
