FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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