eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
