i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Your penis caused this!
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
