I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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