Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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