you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
