the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
