no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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