My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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