the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Do you have feelings for this penis?
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