Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I have demons in me.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
