I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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