Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
