I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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