3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Randomize
