we're chasing vodka with high fives
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I would ride that face into the sunset
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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