I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
