Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
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