2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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