is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
