He had one of those small greek statue penises
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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