saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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