oh god the rape fog is back!
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Randomize
