Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
