I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
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