I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
