Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Blow job season was short but glorious.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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