You smell like a Billy Joel song
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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