Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Congratulations! We have a period
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
