I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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