dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
