im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
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She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
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I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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