i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Houston, we have a squirter
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
