the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
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He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
i think my cat just said my name.
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I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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