I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
