just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Randomize
