How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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