My hand turned me down
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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