I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
