I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
