I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
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