Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
