I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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