there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
