My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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