It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
