So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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