I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just took my morning after pill in the library
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
