eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
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He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
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Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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