i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
