No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Randomize
